Remiss, but with Excuse

Joel Osteen / Tim Allen I feel I’ve let everyone down today, and must apologize for being so late in posting anything. People have begun second-guessing what I post on this anniversary, and the last week or so I’ve just been so busy that I didn’t manage to get a post together until now. I’ve been giving advice to Joel Osteen about his plans for a new video venue. We’ve been looking at the new holographic technology, but there’s a great concern that the hologram won’t be able to credibly shake people’s hands after the message. As a result, we’ve been negotiating with Tim Allen’s people about having Mr. Allen stand in for Joel at the new venue. We’ve reached an agreement on the hair dye, but Mr. Allen is balking at Joel’s demand for a wee bit of surgical tweaking of the nose. Will try to keep you posted. These show-biz types can be pretty demanding, so negotiations have been no picnic, let me tell you.

Happy Birthday Barbie

barbie-50.jpg Born March 9, 1959, Barbie Millicent Roberts turns 50 today… but you’ve probably already heard about that. Oddly enough, she was born an adult, meaning she’s closer to 70 than 50. I think Ms. Roberts (pictured) has had work done… somehow she just has that kind of “plastic” quality about her. That and the fact that by age 50 it seems almost certain that surgery would have been required for chronic back problems. Based on the gravity-defying figure she seemed to hold for the past 50 years, it was determined that if the 11½” doll were 5’6″, her measurements would be 39-21-33. One expert calculated that a woman’s chances of having Barbie’s figure were less than 1 in 100,000, so given the global population, this means there could actually be 50,000 women walking around with her measurements. Oddly enough, I can’t seem to recall having met any of them. No word on what 50-year-old Barbie’s measurements would be, nor what Barbara Segal’s measurements were or are. Ms. Segal is of course the daughter after whom Barbie was named by creator Ruth Handler, who died in 2005 at age 85. Word has it that in the toy world, G.I. Joe thinks that for taking so long to commit to Barbie and then letting her go, Ken is an idiot of Billy Joel proportions. But that’s just a rumour.

A Recipe for Brother Maynard

chef.jpg Sometimes you awake in the morning with the strangest things running through your brain. This morning was one of those sometimeses, as of all things, I had a recipe for Brother Maynard running around in my head looking for a way out.

Brother Maynard

Ingredients

    (dry)

  • ½c. sarcasm
  • 2 Tbsp witticism (tempered with wry, dry & droll)
  • 2c. cynicism
  • 2½c. flour
  • 1 tsp pinch of salt
  • ¼c. baking powder
  • (wet)

  • 1 tbsp Tobasco sauce
  • ½ tsp. bitters (may substitute lemon or lime)
  • 4c. confusion

Directions

  1. Mix dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl.
  2. Add Tobasco and bitters, stir lightly
  3. Add confusion in stages, stirring as you go, making sure it permeates the whole. Beat thoroughly.

Whose Blog is This, Anyway?

clouseau.jpg

Does your blog bite?
Nice bloggy.
[blog growls, snaps]
I thought you said your blog did not bite.
That is not my blog.

Confused? At least halfway? Me too. I ran my blogs (this one and my non-psedonymous one) through the Typealizer, which looks at your blog and tells you what Meyers-Briggs type you are. Or it is. Turns out my blog and I have less in common that I thought, or that one of us is not who we think we are. If my writing style turns out to be different than my actual MBTI-type, does that mean I’ve been false with my readers? Or is it just that I’m not who one of us thinks I am? When taking something a little closer to a real test, I come out pretty clearly as an INTP, which makes the results of the Typealizer a little suspect if you ask me. My result, both times:

Can You Spot My Lie?

peter-gzowski.jpg Rodney Olson’s list of ten things he’s done that I (we) probably haven’t, and it reminded me of Peter Gzowski.

I used to listen to CBC Radio’s Morningside with Gzowski every morning. He used to play an on-air game with people — he would line up two or three noted people, who would each give three “facts” about themselves. These would usually be odd things they had done, strange experiences, encounters with famous people, or some intersection of these characteristics. Each person would ask a few clarifying questions in an attempt to discover which of the three “facts” was, in fact, a lie.

Reading Rodney’s post, I thought it might be fun to try something similar. With that in mind, here is a list of five facts excerpted from my life so far:

  1. I once sank thigh-deep in quicksand.

America, the World is Watching

obama.jpg Today’s the day — the campaign is finally done, and we’re all just waiting to see what will happen while you sip your free Starbuck’s coffee. I have to say, I think we will miss the SNL intros that have been so good lately. While the world is watching you, it might be worth taking a few minutes to watch a couple of brief videos to prime your thinking about voting today. After all, if you aren’t doing it to participate in democracy and honour the political process, certainly you’d do it for a free cup of Starbuck’s Joe, wouldn’t you? (I hear it isn’t really poured by “Joe the Plumber”.) So Consider these:

McCain & Fey:

[ RSS Readers may need to click through ]

Palin & two Montreal comedians:

Righteous Airwaves

vintage_television.jpg The email arrived in my inbox today, taunting me. “Removal of Joel Osteen, Joyce Meyer, Charles Stanley, David Jeremiah and other pastors from the airwaves,” it proclaimed. “Really?” I thought. The email provided all the details:

An organization has been granted a Federal Hearing on the same subject by the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) in Washington, D.C. Their petition, Number 2493, would ultimately pave the way to stop the reading of the gospel of our Lord and Savior, on the airwaves of America. They got 287,000 signatures to back their stand! If this attempt is successful, all Sunday worship services being broadcast on the radio or by television will be stopped.

I thought about that for a moment. Joel Osteen off the air? You know, that might be a pretty good thing. The email evidently assumed I’d be appalled and want to take action against this petition so I could help keep Joel on the air. The answer? A counter-petition.