We done been a-spendin’ some time down heah in the ol’ south, and i’s gettin’ so’s mah speech is bein’ affected. I was a-buyin’ some gas t’day over in Buford, down at th’ RaceTrac station — and there was this line-up in the store, y’know? An’ we was all jus-a-waitin’ fer th’ guy t’ ring us all up, like, an’ there was these good ol’ boys in fron’a me, an’ each-a-them had two beers, ya know? Redneck beer, like Bud an’ Coors Lite an’ stuff like ‘at. Th’ big bottles, ya know? An dang if th’er necks wer’n’t acshully red! Then they started to talkin’, and I purty much couldn’ un’erstan’ a sangle thang they was-a-sayin’! But possom-on-a-gum-bush, it seems I been takin’ to sayin suthern-style things like “y’all,” and I been startin’ to say some things with a drawl, like “sweeet teeea,” with all th’ customaary vo-cal in-fle-ctions, y’know? I’m jus’ gettin’ acclim-a-ted.
But seriously, there’s just a few things I don’t get about these southern folk. Small things what comes up every now and then. I don’t think anyone down here realizes that General Lee didn’t win the war — it’s just that the war ended, somehow isn’t clear, and folks seem as loyal to the south as they are to the United States as a whole. Strange, these southerners, bless their little hearts. See, that’s another thing I learned today while we were dining at “Johnny’s Barbecue” an outta-the-way spot with good cookin’ and lots of traffic runnin’ through the place. Turns out down here you can say any negative thing you like about a person, so long as you add “bless their heart” after it. Like, “Man, she’s ugly, bless her heart.” And if you say “Bless their little heart” that somehow adds extra pity or something… but if you remember to bless the heart, it’s all good despite the insult. I’m learnin’.
So we saw a sign outside a church down here sayin’ that they had hot coals from Lakeland or some such thang, and all of this a-course just got me to thinkin’ ’bout how horrible some of th’ theology and apologetics of some of them Lakeland an’ other Revivalsts is, bless thar little hearts. I’ll prob’ly have more to say on th’ subject, which seems to still be raisin’ some kinda ruckus.