Today we’re thinking and/or talking about The Great Church Exodus (more below)…. Barb started it. Barb Orlowski is in the D.Min. program at A.C.T.S. Seminary at TWU in Langley, B.C.. Speaking of Christians who have experienced the emotional and spiritual effects of authoritarian or controlling church leaders, Barb writes,
There are many Christians who have faced the untimely distress of this particular yet widespread phenomenon. Many have simply left the church, while others have made an effort to reintegrate into a local church setting. It has taken courage for them to desire to reconnect with a pastor and seek their assistance in processing their grief and disillusionment with previous church leaders.
She is looking for research participants to complete her dissertation on this subject — specifically, she needs people who have at one time or another left church (i.e., you have a CLB) following very negative experiences. She describes it this way:
Church Leavers:
- Christians who have experienced emotional and spiritual distress under authoritarian and controlling church leaders and who have ceased to be associated with those congregations;
- Christians who subsequently have recognized and processed their spiritual grief and pain and have experienced spiritual recovery;
- Christians who are willing to share how they have processed their negative experience and have recovered spiritual harmony; and
- those who can share what has happened since this painful episode: Christians who can answer the question, “What factors have helped you to restore your confidence in God and His people?”
Barb is also looking for pastors or leaders who have received such people back into a church setting and been able to provide spiritual guidance to such people. She’d like to hear “how you, as a pastor, have provided spiritual guidance and encouragement for individuals who have faced this type of emotional and spiritual pain at the hands of those that they had trusted as their spiritual leaders.”
I think she’s tackling an important subject here. It’s been written about quite widely and continues to be explored, but as far as I know, nothing so systematic as what Barb is undertaking — Barna‘s would be the closest. Many of those who have left are wondering when the church they left will wake up to what’s going on… and this kind of analysis is one method of educating the church in this area. Barb can be reached by email to obtain further details on the study including the questionnaire she has prepared and pertinent confidentiality information. I understand the amount of effort required is fairly minimal but I think the value of her work will increase with sample size, so drop her a note and be sure to mention my name.
The subject is on my brain today. In unrelated acts of linkage, Erin pointed out “Becoming Churchless 101”, a very good post by Kevin Shinn. And of course the latest BarnaBit (because I mentioned Barna above), which uses the phrase “Christianity’s slipping image” to introduce a book by Barna Group president David Kinnaman: unChristian: What a New Generation Really Thinks about Christianity… and Why It Matters. I next stumbled upon Rob Woodrum who has a book on his journey out — and I think (hope) the book also explains how he later became a pastor. And cartoonist: great combination.
Mostly these days, I’m interested in people’s stories along these lines, so if you’re in that boat and want or need to connect with others in that situation or to share your experiences of finding such commonalities online, go at it in the comments. Also, if you know of studies or books on the topic, leave them in the comments as well. I had a beer with someone fitting this description last week… and of course I’ve been there (or am there) myself. What do you first recommend to folks in that situation? Books to read or actions to take?
What do I recommend?
Hockey church …
It’s where we’re worshipping now. Although I did a version of house church yesterday … it was a one time thing … and I did a post about it.
Everytime I try to imagine being back in church … in a relationship with a pastor, I come unglued. It’s fairly distressing.
So glad to see you picking this up, Bro. M. I connected with Barb via mutual friends at Jesus Creed…saw Len posting on it…linked to Len at Alan’s TFW just yesterday! I would really like to see some significant sample size for Barb to work with.
For my part–and resonating with sonja–I don’t think that one can return to the same church/kind of church without a direct intervention by the Holy Spirit. It is too painful and dangerous to do otherwise. It is still painful and dangerous to do with the Holy Spirit’s direction, but there is hope that something helpful will ensue, since I know that the Holy Spirit is not in the chain-jerking, power-tripping scene.
Unfortunately (or fortunately? perspective issue), I believe I have been asked to both stay and attempt to bring clarity and reconciliation. Been at it two years now. Long row to hoe, here. All prayers are welcome ;^) …hey, not just for me and my CST (church–still trying), but for everyone struggling with this debacle for the Body.
I don’t thing there can be a “certain” first step. I would say that depends on the level of trauma. Some might need anger management…others co-dependence awareness…some might need something like Peterson’s “Eat This Book” as a way to connect/reconnect directly with God/the Word…others a link to Emerging Grace or Julie & Mike Clawson or other balanced blogs that deal with bringing this dirty “family secret” out in the open.
In all cases I think there needs to be some way to hear the message that this kind of abuse is not righteous and it’s not totally your fault! We may play into it–or get sucked into it–but leaders who have power and control issues (and their name is Legion), and the churches that put up with it, have to be recognized for what they are!
When I was, as I loved to call it, the “Borg Queen” at my CST, part of the “assimilation” process I addressed was to acknowledge any CLB trauma. When folks would come to the first four-week class series welcoming them to make this their church home, we spent the first session just talking about where they came from and why they were here. It was always VERY interesting! Lots of head-nodding…and frequently bouts of “high humidity” dabbing.
More than anything, folks taumatized by this need to hear that this is not what God is like…that this is not Christlike behavior…and that this kind of sin needs to be dealt with like every other sin. Oh, I forgot…too many churches and Christians just don’t know how to deal with sin…hmmm, do I see a root issue ;^)
I will be sharing with Barb when I get the inspiration…
Blessings,
I suppose IMHO the first most important thing about becoming churchless is to know you’re not alone…which can be hard when you’ve left real-life community. Hence the blogosphere as a tool…I have recommended a number of people start a blog so that they can become connected with others who understand….and writing about their own experiences is not only healing, but helps others…like a comment I just left at Mary’s blog (one-thing-is-needed.blogspot.com) if I have learned anything from blogging, it is that we each know something someone else does not know…and when we put all our experiences together we become more complete than we are alone.
Sorry for the ramble there…
I am feeling conspicuously absent from the comment section of this post. Some days I would like to divorce myself from that part of my story, but I guess that isn’t really possible.
I believe that those who blog probably have a much greater understanding of spiritual abuse than the average churchgoer.
In the days and weeks immediately following our abuse, I found most of the resources I had inadequate for processing my experience. I read Subtle Powers of Spiritual Abuse, and although it was good, I didn’t feel helped.
I googled innumerable combinations of phrases in my search for something or someone that related to what had happened to us. I searched through volumes of writing to find bits and pieces that were helpful. So much of what I found was bizarre or extreme and didn’t relate to abuse that happens in an “ordinary” church with respectable-appearing leaders.
The first help I found was at the spiritual abuse forum. I no longer post there, and I don’t endorse it without reservations, because it can get a little wacky at times. However, I also don’t want to diminish the help and healing I received there. It was there that I first dared to tell my story and received acceptance by others who had similar experiences. There are a few dear, solid people who have posted there for years, and are always there to comfort and affirm the latest victim stumbling through their doors.
The similarity of fear and paranoia shared by first-time posters on that forum is heartbreaking. The degree of evil that spiritual abuse manifests is apparent in the devastation that it causes in these peoples’ identity – so full of shame, self-doubt, and fear that they hardly dare reveal their experience.
The majority of victims are reluctant to share their experience and unwilling to trust almost anyone. The thing that they need first is validation and acceptance, and it is difficult to tell people where they might find that. Next they need permission to be in the grief process and guidance through that process.
As to reintegrating into church, I’m probably not the person to ask. ;)
I am not looking for a pastor, but rather a community.
I am entering into this discussion not as one abused by the church but a pastor who collects those who have been. I am not sure what happens but I find people who have left the church and or have been betrayed by the church connect to me. I have within my group my parents, who were I feel driven from a denomination that was home for several generations of family. They have reconnected with a congregation of a different denominaiton. A friend who was abused by a husband who used the church as a weapon. Some who lost connection with church because of a youth pastor who was off base. A catholic who just can’t seem to assimilate being catholic. The list goes on and on.
My struggle is how do I take these people under wing or whatever is needed and walk with them so they can keep the God they believe in. How do I bring them together into a family of loving relationships that will nurture and encourage them?
I guess I love them all deeply and hurt for and with them. I am pastor of two congregations, one I would welcome any to and the other I would hesitate because of some personalities there that cna be very hurtful to others. Those who are hurtful have hurt embedded in them so deeply I am not sure it can be extracted.
I read here and Grace and have my own blog trying to find answers as I serve a risen Savior and a God who loves his creation and who must be in tears over most of its folly.
Pastor WaynO
Waaaaaay late to this thread and wouldn’t have found it without Wayno’s comment. My shepherd heart breaks over this situation in the church. I too pastor people who have suffered this abuse (as well as some who are skilled at dishing it out…) and have discovered that they are simply looking for leadership that reflects the leadership offered by the Great Shepherd. Leadership that doesn’t lord over others but serves them (“Even the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and give his life as a ransom for many.) Far too many pastors have forgotten that their task is to lay down their lives for the sheep, not to fleece the sheep for all they can give them.
For those of you wandering without shepherds I pray you find one, soon.
John “A Shepherd” wrote
“For those of you wandering without shepherds I pray you find one, soon.”
I know John means well … but victims of spiritual abuse are often very cynical about prayer, because much prayer is grand-sounding, yet empty, talk. Some Christians believe that prayer is a substitute for, not a supplement to, action.
To Christians who are trying to help victims of spiritual abuse, I recommend:
1. Pray as much as you like.
2. But don’t mention your prayer to the person you are helping, until you know that the person is comfortable with the idea.
I acknowledge that reaching people who are outcasts from Christianity can be difficult, because some of them (like me) no longer have any trust in any doctrine of Christianity. With these folks, you will not succeed in using Christianity to fix the problems caused by abuse of Christianity — you have to find a different approach. (And no, showing the victim Bible verses won’t work, either.)
As a victim of spiritual abuse, I’ll admit that I have no idea what techniques you should use to reach us “difficult cases” — if I knew, I probably would have returned to Christianity myself.
Check out:
http://www.wickedshepherds.com/mainarticlespage.html
Ramon
A must see website:
http://www.wickedshepherds.com
Both my husband and I are currently in a very serious situation where we had to leave a church plant because of serious character issues and conflicts with the lead pastor. We wrote a letter ending our membership on April 12 2012 after enduring an awful meeting the leadership (we had attended mutiple multiple meetings over 2 years) There was no response to the letter. Long story short, 4 months later, we hear from a friend that he publicly slandered us from his pulpit and said we were current members under church discipline and that no one was to associate with us (including my own family members that attended there) We contacted the leadership after that and requested to meet with a unbiased 3rd party to have an intervention/mediation and they refused and said they would only meet privately to discuss the matter. Never once were we told personally (formally or informally) that we were under church discipline. Now what do you do with this?